I've had this blog for a few years. I used to make entries but kept them private. One day, I deleted all of the entries because the blog was going in a direction that I really didn't like. It was all so negative and full of anger.
Tonight I am here in hopes of finding some comfort. I will come to this blog as often as I need to, almost like an experiment, to see if this will help me get my anxiety under control. Today was pretty rough! This blog is more for me than anyone else. I won't worry if I am "rambling" on. I won't see anyone's eyes roll as I try to explain myself....that is, IF I can explain it.
I've been dealing with anxiety for a few years now. As I get older, it gets harder for me to recall when exactly things have occurred. Time is flying by so fast. It seems like it wasn't all that long ago that I came so close to going over the edge. It was around this time of year, but I think it had to be at least 3 or more years ago?
Anxiety is a horrible thing. I'm not always fully aware of what is even causing it? I also suffer from Panic Disorder, so what I'm doing is giving myself anxiety attacks because I am panicking at the thought of going back to that ugly place I was a few years back.
Yes, I have worries. There will always be worries, but I don't feel like I have enough worry to make me feel this way. Today I felt sick to my stomach, a touch of dizziness, and of course, the what I call "inner shakes". I feel a shaking feeling mostly in my legs, but it's also all throughout my body. It's really difficult to explain. When I get shaky, I worry that I won't be able to stop it. I don't know how to stop it, other than the meds. Right now, I am taking Clonazepam. I am supposed to take one pill in the morning and 2 at night before bed. (It's supposed to help me sleep). Today, I had to take a third pill. One in the morning, another later in the day, and just now my 2 before bed. The shakes are a little less intense, but I still do not feel quite right. Now, all I can hope for is to get up tomorrow morning and have this feeling be gone. Somehow, I guess, I think sleep could fix this?
I've been getting little "pains" on the left side of my chest for the past few days. This very well could be what's causing the anxiety, but I know it's not causing all of it. It just makes it worse. My mind takes me to horrible places almost all of the time. My mind thinks the quick little pains are mini heart attacks or maybe even cancer. This is not normal, and I know it, but I don't know how to stop the stupid thoughts. I could call my dr and rule anything bad out, but then my fear gets even worse. The "what if's" take over.....What if I go to the dr and something really is wrong....what if I waited too long to finally go to the dr in the first place and now my body is beyond repair? What if the dr would have to run tests? How would I handle waiting for the results? What if I don't like the results? Then the biggest "What If".... What if this is all just my head making it all up???
Well, this isn't exactly working out as I had hoped. I'm not sitting here thinking way too much! I'm starting to feel ill and need to go lie down. I'm not really tired, but I can't keep doing this, either. Yet another thing that I dislike about this....I can start to feel good, but then in the blink of an eye, I can feel the intensity rising. :( Ugh!!!
Trying to think happy thoughts and heading to bed. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully a better day.
Today's anxiety level: 8 out of 10
