I didn't realize I still had this blog. Of course, I neglected it. I seem to do that a lot with these kinds of things. I'm one that would rather write something out instead of typing. I'm not sure why?
I'm here today, yet again, with my anxiety. It's with me, but you can't see it. It feels like it's eating me from the inside. It has me feeling sick to my stomach and wanting to just cry. Crying doesn't fix it, not even for a minute. I just wish it would go away.
I understand, I do have a lot going on in my life right now, but my brain isn't dwelling on it. I want to take each day as it comes, but each day what comes is the anxiety! It's my little (big?) happiness stopper. It scares me. It wakes me from my sleep to get me. It sticks to me and doesn't want to let go. I want to let it go and was hoping to be able to do so without the use of medication. I just can't understand how a pill can fix what goes on inside my head? No one but ME knows what's going on inside there, so how is a pill going to know? How can it stop these stupid thoughts and feelings?
Anxiety brings out other emotions...... Anger. I am mad at anxiety! I have no way to punch back when it punches me. It's just not fair. Loneliness. I feel all alone because I can't explain it to others and even though I know other people that deal with it, I can't "see" them feeling it the same way I do. I don't know how anxiety "looks", but the way it feels, you'd think someone that has it would recognize it in someone else. It's a part of me that I don't really know and don't really want to get to know. Anxiety is not nice. It makes me think that I am crazy. Who wants to know someone that is crazy? I try so hard sometimes to hide it from friends. I try to think back to when it wasn't so intense and hope to get back there. It feels so far away right now. I'm lost trying to find my way back, but I'm doing what I have to to get back to feeling better. I'm taking my meds, taking deep breaths, and trying to keep myself busy. Anxiety doesn't care. I can go to bed feeling alright and then it wakes me and torments me in the morning. That's where I am this morning, and I don't like it. I am reminding myself that it won't last, the pill will do it's job and in a little while I'll be a little better.
Sitting here, at the computer, isn't really helping. Like I said, I don't really like to type. I'm going to do some housework and then maybe if I come back to the computer I'll try some digital scrapbooking. Maybe that will help?
